see through me

A bit of my thoughts about life in general and things that keep it worth living...


Shorty 008


She felt the little thing within her embrace, the agitating little angel who just came from heaven, half of her soul that became this little boy who looked at her straight to her eyes. She was holding the fruit of love, the part of her that she knew she’d been missing all her life.

Until now.

The boy was cuddling lazily to her, maybe listening the familiar heartbeats that kept him company for the last few months, the familiar feeling of being protected by someone who he didn’t even aware of.

It was a feeling of love. Pure love. The love that has no restrictions at all. It was love. Pure love.

She looked at him, smiling questioningly about everything that she ever looked for in her life and now nothing would matter anymore except for the little being who was holding her thumb with his two tiny palms.

It was an intimate moment between the two of them. It was their world. The world that they would certainly walk together, tracing every path with their stories.

Of course there would be moments where their paragraphs would differ, but at the end, they would be holding the same pen again to write chapters after chapters.

Nothing else would matter anymore.

It was just her and her son.

It was more than enough. It was everything.

And nothing at the same time.

*Happy birthday Mom… I love you so much. And of course, kisses to my newborn nephew, Maula, who just folded his wings to fall into my lovely cousin’s arms…*


To Keke...

She looked at me shyly from the corner of the room. It was one of those family meeting where people were chatting, catching up with everyone. I was eating a piece of apple pie, suppresing my need to smoke. She had that questioning eye, for a moment I couldn’t remember who she was, but after a while, I finally got her.

She was my nephew, and well, she had grown up since the last time I saw her. So I walked to her and smiled at her. “Keke?”

She beamed at me and nodded. “Do you remember me, dear?” I asked.

More nodding.

I teased her, “Then tell me my name.”

She thought for a while, but I knew she remembered my name. “You’re uncle Ditto…”

I laughed and opened my arms, “Come here, hug me like you did when you were just a kid.”

She jumped at me and hugged me tight. We giggled and started to dance around as the music was playing an old song. She was full of life, the little sunshine that beamed everything with her smile.

I remembered that smile, it was radiant, it was blooming and at the same time, it was weak. A cocktail of life.

And that would be the only thing that I will remember of her, as I stood silent in front of the pile of flowers upon the wet earth that holds her forever now this morning.

Fifteen years was a short time for you, Keke… but I know you lived it with all the love you had.

Every good story always ends in tears.

Goodbye, dear.



Do I really know myself?

Years and years living within this body, having this mind and feeling this soul inside me. Do I really know myself? It’s one of the oldest question that human had ever asked, in any form, “Who am I?”, “What am I doing here?”, etc.

I live my life in a constant search of self, of discovering every single aspect of me, looking at myself using every perspective possible. It’s a journey of, as cliché obliges, self-discovery, a continuous walk amoong the many images of you, the many sides of your identity.

The plethora of you that reside within your body. The you that you would never show to people, the you that you give to others, the secret you that stays confined inside your soul.

As I walk along this life, about 29 years, or let’s say 24 years, since I think that you became self-aware around five –please, I’m talking general, not specific, not arguing-, I found many influences that built the thing that I call “me”. Those influences made me choose the way I want people to see me. And it did something to change the way I live my life. To the better ot the worse, I didn’t really know. I was quite submissive with those expectations and it did gave me a trait and I realized later that I didn’t really want to be like that. It’s not the way I wanted my life to be.

My journey started late, I confess. It did start with a bang, though. My self-awareness was kicking hard, it’s a boot camp for my soul. I had to bend every conditioned reflexes that told me NOT to do things I wanted to be.

It was a constant battle between the two of me.

And it still continues up until today. It’s a fierce war between my mind and heart. One telling me to go right, the other to the left. Every single crossroad.

Now, I’m not really quick in taking decisions, that I agree. But one thing I know is that I would never ever regret any decision and I would always be commited to that decision. If I take the hard road, then so be it, enjoy every pain and every thorn. If I take the easier path, then I wouldn’t regret that I wouldn’t experience the ups and downs in the other way.

And I have a tendency to take the harder way, not because I have some kind of suicidal tendency or anything, but simply because somehow I know that is the right thing to do. I did surrender to some harder roads but I am not sorry at all. It was my decision to surrender at the time, and whatever made me do it, I would make sure it wouldn’t happen again.

Life ain’t exactly a safe journey.

I would do everything, by all means, to not surrender in the next crossroad. And whatever I would choose, I wouldn’t regret anything.

It would be my choice. I would have to commit, no matter what. Even if the pain would be unbearable, I would not surrender.

And that is one thing that I found inside me these last months.

I am stubborn. I would walk forward to get that I want. No. Matter. What.

What if at the end, I wouldn’t get it? No regret. The knowledge that I did try would be enough.

Life, read my lips: I… would… not… stop.

Until next time guys, jump over that cliff… life is waiting below.


Dear you...

Smokes from my cigarette
are slowly dancing around me
with your shadow,
along the plaintive melody
of falling rain outside;
thousands of droplets
with your name softly whispered
each time they touch the earth.

It feels empty once again.

Yet nothing changes.

But I'm still sitting here,
waiting by the window pane
for your sun to rise on my world.

*I know who you are... do you?*
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