see through me

A bit of my thoughts about life in general and things that keep it worth living...


...about an end

“You’re lucky, cuz, no offense, because you already lost what really matter to you.”

The discussion was taken around a year ago, between my cousin and me, in our intoxicated selves. I remember that I muttered silently that he was wrong; I could still experience another kind of loss in my future.

And I saw that loss in one of my good friend’s eyes last week.

She’d been married for about a year or so. I attended her wedding reception, it was a small and beautiful party, she was ecstatic for having a whole new life in front of her and I remember that somehow I envied her happiness that day.

But fate always has the last word.

The husband died few weeks ago after a severe case of pneumonia (or bronchitis, the details are somewhat skecthy). I got the news from a friend via my messenger and for a moment or two, I was shocked. Loss of words except for “DAMN”, boldly typed in my messenger screen.

Then with some of my colleagues, I went to the hospital that was fortunately near my office. We went to the morgue and I finally saw her.

It was the full embodiement of pain. She tried to be strong, but the eyes didn’t lie. It was all pain, agony and sadness melted into one single entity. Seeing her like that, I couldn’t help thinking about above discussion with my cousin.

The loss of your loved one. Not the ones that you’ve been taking for granted, like your parents, family or such.

But the one who you choose to love; the one who you decided against all odds to live with and ultimately to walk together, hand in hand.

It’s something that I have never experienced before, because unlike a good friend of mine said, it is NOT just like an end of a relationship, where you could heal more or less quickly and move on. It’s something beyond your control, it’s something that has nothing to do with your actions, nor their consequences. It’s plainly the end.

With no warning. It’s a bullet that strikes you between your eyes.

No alarm.

Something beyond you took someone you CHOOSE to love.

It’s a matter of choice. And a higher power took that choice from you. No, worse, took the result of your choice away from you.

I can’t really know how it would feel.

Would I know it one day?

I can’t answer that, for that would be something way beyond my control. I might go first, she might go first… I don’t know. It’s not for me to decide, nor to know for that matter.

The only thing I could do is to be prepared and enjoy every single moment in this life.

So there would be no regret.

And that’s how I – we should live.


  • At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Alia said…

    Losing someone who you CHOOSE to love, for a reason yet unknown to you.

    That's really hard.

    When I got the news, she was already in Bandung burying him. But when I first knew about it, I was also... in lost of words.

    Mudah-mudahan dia bertambah kuat menghadapi ini.

  • At 3:57 PM, Anonymous irma said…

    i can't imagine how she must feel. i can't even begin to imagine losing my parents, let alone "the one". the worst would probably be losing your own child.

    really makes you feel small, to see how much control you really have (or don't have) in this life..

  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger WeAreSoulmates said…

    Damn! I wouldn't know how to cope if that ever happened to me.

    Thinking about my parents leaving for good is hard enough.. imagine someone you choose to spend the rest of your life with and he/she passes on... that's effing tough!

    Good piece, Rangga!

  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger rangga said…

    Iya Al, semoga dia tabah dan akan menjadi lebih kuat dalam hidup ini...

    Irma, I think it is not something we could ever imagine... and yes indeed, we are all small, aren't we?

    WAS, that's tough... it would be tough... as life should be. :)


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