see through me

A bit of my thoughts about life in general and things that keep it worth living...

19.12.06

me...?

Do I really know myself?

Years and years living within this body, having this mind and feeling this soul inside me. Do I really know myself? It’s one of the oldest question that human had ever asked, in any form, “Who am I?”, “What am I doing here?”, etc.

I live my life in a constant search of self, of discovering every single aspect of me, looking at myself using every perspective possible. It’s a journey of, as cliché obliges, self-discovery, a continuous walk amoong the many images of you, the many sides of your identity.

The plethora of you that reside within your body. The you that you would never show to people, the you that you give to others, the secret you that stays confined inside your soul.

As I walk along this life, about 29 years, or let’s say 24 years, since I think that you became self-aware around five –please, I’m talking general, not specific, not arguing-, I found many influences that built the thing that I call “me”. Those influences made me choose the way I want people to see me. And it did something to change the way I live my life. To the better ot the worse, I didn’t really know. I was quite submissive with those expectations and it did gave me a trait and I realized later that I didn’t really want to be like that. It’s not the way I wanted my life to be.

My journey started late, I confess. It did start with a bang, though. My self-awareness was kicking hard, it’s a boot camp for my soul. I had to bend every conditioned reflexes that told me NOT to do things I wanted to be.

It was a constant battle between the two of me.

And it still continues up until today. It’s a fierce war between my mind and heart. One telling me to go right, the other to the left. Every single crossroad.

Now, I’m not really quick in taking decisions, that I agree. But one thing I know is that I would never ever regret any decision and I would always be commited to that decision. If I take the hard road, then so be it, enjoy every pain and every thorn. If I take the easier path, then I wouldn’t regret that I wouldn’t experience the ups and downs in the other way.

And I have a tendency to take the harder way, not because I have some kind of suicidal tendency or anything, but simply because somehow I know that is the right thing to do. I did surrender to some harder roads but I am not sorry at all. It was my decision to surrender at the time, and whatever made me do it, I would make sure it wouldn’t happen again.

Life ain’t exactly a safe journey.

I would do everything, by all means, to not surrender in the next crossroad. And whatever I would choose, I wouldn’t regret anything.

It would be my choice. I would have to commit, no matter what. Even if the pain would be unbearable, I would not surrender.

And that is one thing that I found inside me these last months.

I am stubborn. I would walk forward to get that I want. No. Matter. What.

What if at the end, I wouldn’t get it? No regret. The knowledge that I did try would be enough.

Life, read my lips: I… would… not… stop.

Until next time guys, jump over that cliff… life is waiting below.

2 Comments:

  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger Jenny Jusuf said…

    Hi Rangga,

    First off, thanks for the comment :)

    Saya emang selalu bertanya dan mencoba menggali, apa sih artinya jadi penulis?
    Semoga label itu nggak hanya jadi 'titel' di depan nama ya... mudah-mudahan :)

    I read some of your writings. Satu kata: KEREN! Saya paling suka 'Pojok'. Simpel tapi ngena abis.

    Salam kenal juga ya...

     
  • At 11:39 AM, Blogger SoApY~! said…

    This entry my dear is interllectually horrific.

    If there's one thing that being in Indonesia has taught me is that

    1. The lost will find their way

    2. The journey to the grand plan has many paths

    3. Your grand plan might not necessarily be everyone else's grand plan

    4. Live life out of the ordinary

    So put your faith in God or Mandy if you must things will fall in their place. Eventually. Look at me. *smirk*

     

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