so...

I am gonna say something shocking to some of my friends.

Uhmmm.

Ok, here we go…

Guys…

I pray everyday.

Yes, for quite some times ago, I do pray everyday. Although maybe not in the strictest sense, like doing my obligatory 5 times a day prayers, I always take a moment or two to close my eyes and start a dialogue with Him. Usually in my room, in a pitch black darkness, I would stay silent and have this internal conversation between us two.

And I start to talk. About everything and nothing, about my wishes and expectations, about the why and how of my conditions, questioning myself… and actually become closer to Him, and myself at the same time.

And I don’t ask much. I’m not being a raging machine gunner who would rush into everything, asking this and that and those and these. No, usually just one or two things. Things that really matter in my life, things that I really wish to have, to hold within my open palms.

Sometimes a moment or two would not be enough, it could be hours. Hours of long conversation with Him, and thus, myself. It’s a soliloquy, a dialogue in mono if you please. And yes, recently I did that a lot. In Indonesian, in English, in French… in a language only known to each one of our soul, the Qolbu language. And no, I am not being pretentious.

Simply because I am lost.

I am a bit off course, doing my own off-road track without the proper vehicle. I have a tricyle instead of a 4x4. And I don’t know how to get to my destination safely.

It’s painful, indeed.

A thorny path all in the name of the rose *oh, how appropriate…*

But that’s the road I’ve chosen to take. As usual, I might add. Only supported by my undying belief that this is what I must walk through.

And I need Him more than ever.

I can remember the last time I feel like this, and I know it took me a long time to get by on the right track once again.

But I know I have to keep on walking.

Though the lighthouse is dimming slowly right before my eyes, I still can see the light glaring at me, somehow telling me that I have to go on to that specific destination.

And I will.

That’s why I pray every single night, that’s why I converse with Him.

He somehow still tells me to go on.

And I will.

And I’m not stopping just yet.

Yes, you hear me right.

I’m not stopping building that very world out of the crumbs of realities and dreams.

Til the end of time.

And we’ll all gonna hear it from my mouth.

“Well, you know who I am, and I am here… as promised.”