see through me

A bit of my thoughts about life in general and things that keep it worth living...


Shorty 007...

The Lake.

The place was amazingly quiet.

I sat down on a broken tree trunk, staring lazily at the blue and green landscape before me. The air was cool, with few breezes suffling the falling leaves and playing softly with my hair. It was a warm afternoon.

I reached out for my cigarette and realized that I forget to bring a lighter.

Then suddenly I smelled something familiar, a very unique scent of clove cigarette. Finally.

Someone touched my shoulder and tended me a black and gold lighter, a Dupont.

I took it and lit my cigarette. Then I stood and turned around.

The man was not very tall with a quite messy curly black hair. He smiled at me behind his particular moustache, looking at me. Was it pride, I couldn’t say. But he smiled, and that was more than enough for me.

“Hey, Dit.” he greeted me, offering his hand.

I walked to him and hugged him, tight. “Long time no see, Pa…”

“Yeah, been quite a long time, isn’t it?”

He was still the same as I remember. Cocky smile, malicious eyes and no-nonsense attitude of his that got him into trouble many times.

“Where’s mom?” I ask, inhaling the smoke deeply.

“You know how she is, Dit, always around and I think she’s with a new malaysian friend probably having tea and gossiping,” he let go a small laugh, “and you know when she starts talking.. well… I just couldn’t bring her here.”

He started walking. I followed him and his smokey clove trail.

“Dit… how are you?”

He took off his aviator sunglasses and looked at me with his piercing eyes, seeing right through my soul.

“I… errr… fine, actually…”

“Liar…” He gave me a nonchalant grin. “I know you're thinking of something, Dit, you could never lie to me… to us.”

And he was right. I took another cigarette and he swiftly lighted it up with a familiar cling.

“It’s always been the same problem, Pa,” I said, “it’s always about choices in my life, that’s all… nothing else.”

He chuckled and slapped my cheek gently, just like he always did when I was a kid.

“Ditto, of all people, you should’ve known better about choices and decisions.”

“You exist in this world because of choices you mother and I made, despite the near impossibilties, the consequences, the mess… everything.” He laughed. “You, my son, are the sum of a very complex equation.

He paused to ponder for a moment.

“You have a whole life ahead, Dit. And yes, the crossroads would always be present along the way. Sometimes, even often, what you think is best could turn into something, uhmm, worse.

I looked at the lake, the reflection of the blue sky melted into its green depth.

“Dit, I… we know that we’re not always there for you. We simply couldn’t. crap did happen and yes, sometimes you, my son, think about turning back in time and imagine if things would be different."

I stared at him sitting on a desolated rock in the middle of the field, smoking his cigarette. I guessed something would never ever change.

“Pa,” I asked, “when we were together, you and mom quarreling about things, we weren’t exactly rich, we were living the hard way et cetera. Did you ever regret the decision… and the way you took for having that?

He threw a small pebble into the lake. “Regretting having you as a son? Of course not, you are the best thing that ever happened to us. Well, eventhough you turn up to be this slave to the capitalism society, I guess you’re ok.” He laughed.

“Dit, remember what I’ve always told you? Life is a…?”

“…path and we have to do whatever you have to do to keep on walking.”

He smiled at me. “Fulfill your dream, son, always trust yourself.”

“But I don’t know if I had made the right choice, Pa.”

He glared at me and said, “then be a man and take the consequences. You know what’s best for you.”

“Even if along the way I would get hurt?”

“Even so, son…”

He took another filtered cloved cigarette, lighted it up and turned to me.

“You are not a mistake. You are the fruit of our love, you were born to unite two people… your mom and I.”

“Ditto, you are the reason why we existed in life. Is there any more beautiful reason than that?”

I looked at him. My God, I missed him so much.

“Son, whatever you do, do it because you believe in it, not for other reason. You have to have that belief, Dit. Be strong, be brave and damn it, be yourself, be a good guy… because there are way too many bad people in this world.”

“But Pa, how about my choice, the one that involves O…”

He put his finger upon my lips.

“Shhh, remember that the reason of it is the very same as the one your mother and I took. And look where it led us…”

“… a family, with all the flaws and the beauties, nonetheless, a family. Think about it, Dit. Do you believe in your own decision?”

I nodded firmly. “Yes, I do.”

“Then do it, for the sake of life, right?”

“Life and love, Pa…”

I heard a distant sound approaching and my father smiled.

“I guess my ride is here to pick me up and well, mom is waiting too.”

“Pa, thank you for coming… especially today. In fact, thank you for everything, for loving me…”

“Loving you is easy, Dit. Leaving you was harder.”

I hugged him, feeling a tear crawling upon my cheek. “I really miss you… both”

“Ditto… we’re waiting in the next room. You’ll meet us again, but you better damned sure sort things up first.” He gave me a soft punch at my chest, “and always trust your heart.”

I turned around, gazing at the distant horizon. I didn’t want to see him leaving me again.

And as the breeze slowly caressed my hair, only his cloved perfume lingered.

*inspired by a surprisingly good film, Face to Face.*


  • At 3:44 PM, Blogger oca said…

    ditto, heppi berdsdey.

  • At 11:58 PM, Anonymous Alia said…

    Happy birthday ditto... *hugs*
    live2live your life the fullest, dear!

  • At 2:56 AM, Blogger aswin said…

    elu emang salah satu orang yang terpilih untuk bisa ngejalanin kisah itu, ngga...salut gw sama elu..hepi bertdei bro....

    Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [Here is a lion and a tiger]

    And the spirit of life

    Mamela [Listen]

    And a voice
    With the fear of a child

    Oh Mamela [Listen]

    Ubukhosi bo khokho [Throne of the ancestors]
    We ndodana ye sizwe sonke [Oh, son of the nation]

    There's no mountain too great
    Hear the words and have faith
    Have faith

    Hela hey mamela [Hey, listen]

    He lives in you
    He lives in me
    He watches over
    Everything we see
    Into the water
    Into the truth
    In your reflection
    He lives in you

    Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [Here is a lion and a tiger]

    *huhuhu gw ikutan jadi inget cerita di lion king-nya disney*

  • At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hepi berde..rangga..,
    mbuat terharu , inger ma Pa juga, uffh i miss him sooo........

  • At 2:07 AM, Blogger Diki Satya said…

    Beers on me.. Beers on me..

  • At 9:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    An Xtra ordinary story.


    Keep rockin'!


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