see through me

A bit of my thoughts about life in general and things that keep it worth living...



I just chatted with a friend via messenger and one topic to another, we talked about our kind of vacation. I thought about it and you know, I realize that I am not really a “nature” kind of person.

Yeah, I am not.

Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the beauty of nature such as deserted beaches and their sunsets, the solitary and contemplative corners in some mountains or just a long walk across some wild forest. Those are the things that could put me into a different sort of state of mind.

But, truth to be told, I would prefer going to cities; BIG cities. The concrete jungles, the gazillion people who dwell within their veins, the pot-pourri of noises and the cocktail of artificial scents.

My friend asked me why the heck I would go to such places instead of remote places where I could be in peace, far away from any urban mess that I encounter daily.

Yet, among the mess, I find my peace.

And you know the main reason of it? It’s when you find some kind of beauty within the chaotic environment. A crimson sunset seen from emergency stairs, a flower that unexpectedly blooms on a grey sidewalk or simply a kid playing with his mother, smiling like nothing else matters on this earth. When suddenly you find one of those things you finally realize that it only takes a small thing to change the whole world around.

Suddenly you know that your life could be beautiful.

It’s when your glass becomes half-full.

I remember one time during my trip to Hong-Kong, probably one of the busiest city ever, I was nonchalantly walking around, from one small alley to another, just to feel the city. Among loud chatters, the scent of various local cuisine and the sum of all the small little things, I became concious of that unique surrounding. It’s like the city itself was opening its arms to me and embraced me saying “Welcome, dear. Please, know me better and love me.” And I looked around me. Everything was suddenly quiet, time was slowing down and yeah, everything was just falling into their right places. In the middle of busy streets of Hong-Kong, I found a quiet peace.

It was beautiful.

To feel that personal revelation, something that you can’t easily share with everyone. It was not a Kodak moment of a beautiful scenery - it was a thing that only you could feel.

Well, it didn’t last long, though. Some old guy bumped into me and started to scream at me in chinese. I could only smile and checked if my wallet was still in place.

But that’s not the point.

Geek moment ahead – I feel like I am Jack Hawksmoor from the Authority (Wildstorm, DC Comics), The God of Cities, surgically modified to be in harmony with cities, where he draws his power. Sometimes I do feel like that, in a way that I would always draw many inspirations from cities. Somewhere I would be perfectly comfortable.

I know it is hard to fall in love with such disordered places, but I think that is where the magic lies; deep within.

That is why I would prefer to go to cities for my holidays. Big cities, with all the people, the alleys, the streets, the buildings, the lights and yes, a free wi-fi connection, please.


...about an end

“You’re lucky, cuz, no offense, because you already lost what really matter to you.”

The discussion was taken around a year ago, between my cousin and me, in our intoxicated selves. I remember that I muttered silently that he was wrong; I could still experience another kind of loss in my future.

And I saw that loss in one of my good friend’s eyes last week.

She’d been married for about a year or so. I attended her wedding reception, it was a small and beautiful party, she was ecstatic for having a whole new life in front of her and I remember that somehow I envied her happiness that day.

But fate always has the last word.

The husband died few weeks ago after a severe case of pneumonia (or bronchitis, the details are somewhat skecthy). I got the news from a friend via my messenger and for a moment or two, I was shocked. Loss of words except for “DAMN”, boldly typed in my messenger screen.

Then with some of my colleagues, I went to the hospital that was fortunately near my office. We went to the morgue and I finally saw her.

It was the full embodiement of pain. She tried to be strong, but the eyes didn’t lie. It was all pain, agony and sadness melted into one single entity. Seeing her like that, I couldn’t help thinking about above discussion with my cousin.

The loss of your loved one. Not the ones that you’ve been taking for granted, like your parents, family or such.

But the one who you choose to love; the one who you decided against all odds to live with and ultimately to walk together, hand in hand.

It’s something that I have never experienced before, because unlike a good friend of mine said, it is NOT just like an end of a relationship, where you could heal more or less quickly and move on. It’s something beyond your control, it’s something that has nothing to do with your actions, nor their consequences. It’s plainly the end.

With no warning. It’s a bullet that strikes you between your eyes.

No alarm.

Something beyond you took someone you CHOOSE to love.

It’s a matter of choice. And a higher power took that choice from you. No, worse, took the result of your choice away from you.

I can’t really know how it would feel.

Would I know it one day?

I can’t answer that, for that would be something way beyond my control. I might go first, she might go first… I don’t know. It’s not for me to decide, nor to know for that matter.

The only thing I could do is to be prepared and enjoy every single moment in this life.

So there would be no regret.

And that’s how I – we should live.


piece of mind 07


Life is
at best
while remaining
as original
as our sin

Wet path,
will you (or I?)
slide along;
over ratio;

“Oh, Come Along!”
It’s a short walk,
you think?
Life is
watch your step
by step
as you (or I?)
chase a distant
a little dream
(of us?)

Go or no go?
A silent answer
with no meaning
when the path is
wouldn’t work
once again

“Oh, Come Again!”
a solitary voice
from behind the door
a remote
and crashed
a look outside
the window

Go home.
(Where to?)

Life is



Dear friend...

I remember the feeling of being lost, being betrayed by life or being abandoned by everything that you believe. It’s an empty void, a black hole that sucks every single one of your light into the eternal darkness.

I know the feeling of losing everything that I care the most, everyone that I love and every single thing that matters to me.

It’s that little thorn inside your heart, bleeding you continuously until you can’t feel anything else but pain.

But I would never tell you that I know what you are feeling right now.

Just allow me to tell you once and for all, my dear friend, that life would go on no matter what.

And we will walk again, letting the departed sleep peacefully in their dreams, while we relentlessly pursue ours.

That is what they want us to do, that is what we would want in their place.

Walk forward, my friend.

*Dhan, yours and mine are watching us together while sipping some tea. Let’s make them proud, shall we?
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