fear of love...

Couple of beers, some snacks, National Geographic on the silent telly and three big fat joints.

It was my traditional lebaran ‘weeding’ with my cousin.

As I previously stated, I rarely see my family. So he and I were catching up on each other’s stories. He’s teaching in a university and doing his master thesis and I’m working as crazy in that same advertising agency.

Then came the discussion about our love life.

Well, my love life is surely a bit too complicated right now and well, I’m not really ready to tell him everything, so maybe one day I’ll just let the bomb drops.

But his is quite interesting too.

I won’t tell anything about his story, it would be unethical. But, among the marijuana mist, he told me about his philosophy in love.

“I wouldn’t love anyone fully because I’m afraid I would be hurt in the end.”

And I asked him, “Well, don’t you love this one fully?”

“I do, I’m very in love with her. But I just don’t want to let her know nor letting myself to really get in her.”

I scratched my head and inhaled the joint, “Wait, you’re saying you’re really in love with her, yet you don’t let her know?”

“Yeah. So I take some precautions, I maintain relationships with other ‘friends’, you know, just in case…”

I thought about my story and even I don’t do “just in case”.

“So, you’re telling me you have no major roadblocks in your way with her, but you’re doing that?”

He lit our second joint and pondered for a moment or two.

“I’m a spoiled brat, I’m afraid to lose someone I really love.”

Ok, I was a bit against that trail of thought, but well, let’s hear more from him.

“You lost both of your parents, cuz, and you became tougher on losing people, because you had like the ultimate loss in your life.”

Wrong, I could lose more precious people in life in the future, but that’s another story.

So I said to him, “But don’t you think that your way of handling that fear could possibly lead you into that very situation. I mean, you don’t really show your love to her and you maintain ‘friendships’ behind her back. Don’t you think it would give her reasons to leave you?”

He looked at me and said, “But I don’t want to… it’s quite frightful.”

That’s a little weird for me. Because for me, every single thing in life has an end and you have to really get into that thing until the very end. Until you dry your own blood and you know that you did everything to make it happen.

“But you’re a fighter, Dit, unlike me.”

Bullshit. If you really love someone, then you go all the way until you got her forever.

You would always face the cliff of uncertainties in life. You would always have the path split in two in front of you. Take whatever road you want but you know that you would take responsibilities for choosing that direction.

Including pain.

Part of your life.

The only thing that I don’t want is that I would regret not going the whole way for a something that I want and even more, that I love.

Some of you know that I would do that. Even if the process would hurt me, would eat me alive bit by bit.

But you have to have that courage to face it. Otherwise you would not experience life to its fullest.

And then he went on, “That’s how I see life, bro. Low risk, high profit. And I will make sure that the ways I’ll took would get me closer to that goal.”

That’s where our opinion differs actually.

Which is quite surprising for me, because for me, he is the kind of guy who would love someone with all his heart. It runs in the family. But his fear took him to a different path, and well, I do respect his choice. I’m just afraid he would be hurt even more.

Morals of the story.

First, opinion is like arsehole, everyone’s got one. Choose the one that would serve your intention best.

Second, love is too precious to hold back. Go full monty. The reward could be greater.

Until then, walk along the road, guys… cheerio.

family...

I don’t see my whole family as much as I want to, so, sometimes, when we gather for a certain occasion, there are many things to catch up. I often get surprised by my cousins seeing how big they become or knowing that one little cousin has a boyfriend.

Even this one cousin telling me about his recent first sexual experience.

A little asterix aside: Well, it was quite surprising coming from him, but hey, he’s old enough to make his choice and it’s already done anyway. But I would’ve preferred he came to me first to ask me things about it before the actual deed. I’m kinda afraid his hormones were doing all the thinking.

Back to the family thing.

My big family is a very strong bonded one, with everyone knowing what’s everyone doing. They always take care of each other and they tend to get into each others problem whether they want it or not.

And it was a little problematic for me.

It took me quite a long time to get them out from my decisions in life. I do agree that their way was probably the right one or more precisely, the normal one. But I just didn’t want to take it. It made me feel quite bad actually, since I know they had the best of intentions.

I was drifting away from them, step by step. They felt that they didn’t know me anymore. Every step I made took me away from them.

But we came to an understanding at last, with a long discussion and talk about the way I see my life and the way they want me to be.

I understand that they only wanted the best for me, and what I had to do was to convince them that the way I took was the best for me.

And now my relationship with them is stronger than ever.

I guess it’s true what they say.

Family would always be there for you.

Indeed.

F****** ME...

and the eff word for now is forgive...

Happy Ied everyone.

Shorty 007...

The Lake.

The place was amazingly quiet.

I sat down on a broken tree trunk, staring lazily at the blue and green landscape before me. The air was cool, with few breezes suffling the falling leaves and playing softly with my hair. It was a warm afternoon.

I reached out for my cigarette and realized that I forget to bring a lighter.

Then suddenly I smelled something familiar, a very unique scent of clove cigarette. Finally.

Someone touched my shoulder and tended me a black and gold lighter, a Dupont.

I took it and lit my cigarette. Then I stood and turned around.

The man was not very tall with a quite messy curly black hair. He smiled at me behind his particular moustache, looking at me. Was it pride, I couldn’t say. But he smiled, and that was more than enough for me.

“Hey, Dit.” he greeted me, offering his hand.

I walked to him and hugged him, tight. “Long time no see, Pa…”

“Yeah, been quite a long time, isn’t it?”

He was still the same as I remember. Cocky smile, malicious eyes and no-nonsense attitude of his that got him into trouble many times.

“Where’s mom?” I ask, inhaling the smoke deeply.

“You know how she is, Dit, always around and I think she’s with a new malaysian friend probably having tea and gossiping,” he let go a small laugh, “and you know when she starts talking.. well… I just couldn’t bring her here.”

He started walking. I followed him and his smokey clove trail.

“Dit… how are you?”

He took off his aviator sunglasses and looked at me with his piercing eyes, seeing right through my soul.

“I… errr… fine, actually…”

“Liar…” He gave me a nonchalant grin. “I know you're thinking of something, Dit, you could never lie to me… to us.”

And he was right. I took another cigarette and he swiftly lighted it up with a familiar cling.

“It’s always been the same problem, Pa,” I said, “it’s always about choices in my life, that’s all… nothing else.”

He chuckled and slapped my cheek gently, just like he always did when I was a kid.

“Ditto, of all people, you should’ve known better about choices and decisions.”

“You exist in this world because of choices you mother and I made, despite the near impossibilties, the consequences, the mess… everything.” He laughed. “You, my son, are the sum of a very complex equation.

He paused to ponder for a moment.

“You have a whole life ahead, Dit. And yes, the crossroads would always be present along the way. Sometimes, even often, what you think is best could turn into something, uhmm, worse.

I looked at the lake, the reflection of the blue sky melted into its green depth.

“Dit, I… we know that we’re not always there for you. We simply couldn’t. crap did happen and yes, sometimes you, my son, think about turning back in time and imagine if things would be different."

I stared at him sitting on a desolated rock in the middle of the field, smoking his cigarette. I guessed something would never ever change.

“Pa,” I asked, “when we were together, you and mom quarreling about things, we weren’t exactly rich, we were living the hard way et cetera. Did you ever regret the decision… and the way you took for having that?

He threw a small pebble into the lake. “Regretting having you as a son? Of course not, you are the best thing that ever happened to us. Well, eventhough you turn up to be this slave to the capitalism society, I guess you’re ok.” He laughed.

“Dit, remember what I’ve always told you? Life is a…?”

“…path and we have to do whatever you have to do to keep on walking.”

He smiled at me. “Fulfill your dream, son, always trust yourself.”

“But I don’t know if I had made the right choice, Pa.”

He glared at me and said, “then be a man and take the consequences. You know what’s best for you.”

“Even if along the way I would get hurt?”

“Even so, son…”

He took another filtered cloved cigarette, lighted it up and turned to me.

“You are not a mistake. You are the fruit of our love, you were born to unite two people… your mom and I.”

“Ditto, you are the reason why we existed in life. Is there any more beautiful reason than that?”

I looked at him. My God, I missed him so much.

“Son, whatever you do, do it because you believe in it, not for other reason. You have to have that belief, Dit. Be strong, be brave and damn it, be yourself, be a good guy… because there are way too many bad people in this world.”

“But Pa, how about my choice, the one that involves O…”

He put his finger upon my lips.

“Shhh, remember that the reason of it is the very same as the one your mother and I took. And look where it led us…”

“… a family, with all the flaws and the beauties, nonetheless, a family. Think about it, Dit. Do you believe in your own decision?”

I nodded firmly. “Yes, I do.”

“Then do it, for the sake of life, right?”

“Life and love, Pa…”

I heard a distant sound approaching and my father smiled.

“I guess my ride is here to pick me up and well, mom is waiting too.”

“Pa, thank you for coming… especially today. In fact, thank you for everything, for loving me…”

“Loving you is easy, Dit. Leaving you was harder.”

I hugged him, feeling a tear crawling upon my cheek. “I really miss you… both”

“Ditto… we’re waiting in the next room. You’ll meet us again, but you better damned sure sort things up first.” He gave me a soft punch at my chest, “and always trust your heart.”

I turned around, gazing at the distant horizon. I didn’t want to see him leaving me again.

And as the breeze slowly caressed my hair, only his cloved perfume lingered.

*inspired by a surprisingly good film, Face to Face.*

so...

I am gonna say something shocking to some of my friends.

Uhmmm.

Ok, here we go…

Guys…

I pray everyday.

Yes, for quite some times ago, I do pray everyday. Although maybe not in the strictest sense, like doing my obligatory 5 times a day prayers, I always take a moment or two to close my eyes and start a dialogue with Him. Usually in my room, in a pitch black darkness, I would stay silent and have this internal conversation between us two.

And I start to talk. About everything and nothing, about my wishes and expectations, about the why and how of my conditions, questioning myself… and actually become closer to Him, and myself at the same time.

And I don’t ask much. I’m not being a raging machine gunner who would rush into everything, asking this and that and those and these. No, usually just one or two things. Things that really matter in my life, things that I really wish to have, to hold within my open palms.

Sometimes a moment or two would not be enough, it could be hours. Hours of long conversation with Him, and thus, myself. It’s a soliloquy, a dialogue in mono if you please. And yes, recently I did that a lot. In Indonesian, in English, in French… in a language only known to each one of our soul, the Qolbu language. And no, I am not being pretentious.

Simply because I am lost.

I am a bit off course, doing my own off-road track without the proper vehicle. I have a tricyle instead of a 4x4. And I don’t know how to get to my destination safely.

It’s painful, indeed.

A thorny path all in the name of the rose *oh, how appropriate…*

But that’s the road I’ve chosen to take. As usual, I might add. Only supported by my undying belief that this is what I must walk through.

And I need Him more than ever.

I can remember the last time I feel like this, and I know it took me a long time to get by on the right track once again.

But I know I have to keep on walking.

Though the lighthouse is dimming slowly right before my eyes, I still can see the light glaring at me, somehow telling me that I have to go on to that specific destination.

And I will.

That’s why I pray every single night, that’s why I converse with Him.

He somehow still tells me to go on.

And I will.

And I’m not stopping just yet.

Yes, you hear me right.

I’m not stopping building that very world out of the crumbs of realities and dreams.

Til the end of time.

And we’ll all gonna hear it from my mouth.

“Well, you know who I am, and I am here… as promised.”

what makes a man...

What makes a man walking to a certain direction?

Is it the flowery path with the sun shining from every corner of the sky, is it the pitch black darkness with the hidden monsters, or is it simply, he just doesn’t know where else to go?

A man would choose his way according to his experiences in life and also his expectations of it, with its every single consequence. He alone knows that his choice would alter his destiny and, depending on how he thinks, he would put some times to decide. There are never wrong choices in life, there are only poor choices. The ones you think are best for you could turn up to reveal a darker side than you’ve expected. And of course, vice versa.

And so what?

We have to go to the wrong direction at least once in our life, because otherwise you would never know which way is right.

Back to the man, or me, to be honest.

I walked this earth with many choices, continuously deciding which path I’ll take in the next crossroad, adopting ways that seemed wrong to certains. But I trust myself, for somehow I know what I really want in life.

I would turn off my safe side self to embark on a certain road.

Like right now.

I know that what I’m going to do could be futile, it could lead me to dissapointment, it could give me the biggest bad ass kick in the groin… it could forever destroy my life.

But as we already know, there are always two sides of a coin.

That’s enough for me to get in the train.

What makes me walking to that direction?

Cliché… love of (my) life.